"So you've just moved into a new "gentrifying" neighborhood that's full of urban culture, cheap(er) rents, and wonderful friendly people. An odd lack of organic food stores and greenmarkets, but you can't have everything. So one day you're doing something FUCKING RETARDED like walking back from the store alone at 1 am or walking home from the subway while texting your sorority sisters back in the fucking midwest or something while SIMULTANEOUSLY listening to an ipod with the bright white headphones and you get fucking mugged."He strongly suggests not fighting back as in all likelihood you're a "pussy hipster retard." If you were paying attention and desire to be of help in solving the crime, it is very important to get the details such as "sex, clothing color, clothing type, headwear, and direction of flight," of your assailant.
Soon the police will arrive, but, he wants you to know, not so soon that they are going to race thru red lights slamming into taxicabs just because you lost your phone. When they do arrive, they want the description of the perp, and will canvas the area with you in the car.
"We are now going to drive around and try to arrest someone. Quick con-law refresher for the lib hippy types: if you're in my car, and have given me a description, THAT MEANS WE ARE STOPPING PEOPLE WHO FIT THAT DESCRIPTION. If you told me they are violent or armed, it's probably going to be a felony stop. So when you tell me it's a 15 year old black kid in a red hoodie with a silver pistol, don't be surprised when the car slams to a halt and we jump out and stop a 15 year old black kid in a red hoodie."The full self-help guide is here, Tips For Clueless People Who Get Mugged
(photo by Olivier)